Say Yes!
I was speaking to someone over the phone last week when it suddenly struck me, all of the following (clearly I wasn’t listening to that person on the phone anymore afterward coz I went down my own spiral).
We say, ‘No means No’, and teach young girls or in fact, anyone, to remember that when someone says no, it should mean no. We teach young minds that someone should not have to say no, more than once and when said, it should be respected as a full-fledged sentence in every case or situation. We teach to raise voice and say no to injustice. So much effort towards teaching and learning ourselves, the meaning, relevance, and the importance of the word ‘no’ while at the same time, we are also teaching the same young minds to say just the opposite, especially in the Indian culture.
Parents raise their children (in India) by instilling etiquettes like, “We are going to their house, so if they offer something to eat just say no. Do not shamelessly pick it up. If they offer again a few times, only then eat.” “Do not just grab anything that is offered to you, in the first go. That is bad manners”. “If you like something just resist it. It is bad manners to show that you like something or to show that you want it”. “If they ask for your help just say yes. It is bad manners to say no”. “If an elder tells you to do something, do it. Do not decline it. It is bad manners to say no to elders”.
No, it is not! It is not bad manners or shamelessness to say yes when you want to eat or like something/someone and it is not bad manners to decline the opportunity an elder, or anyone else is giving you to be of ‘service’ to them! This is such a screwed-up concept to teach and learn to say just the opposite of what you actually want. Teaching children to say the opposite of what they really feel or mean, while teaching them to protect themselves from abuse by learning to say no, is bound to confuse anyone — of course! How do you really think this is ever going to work? Do you see how twisted this is or is it just me battling with this distorted revelation, not knowing how to really correct this? I myself have such a hard time even at this age saying yes to things I want and saying no to things I don’t like. It fills you with the guilt of letting the other person down when you answer what she/he wasn’t looking for — and this is simply insane.
That person I was speaking to over the phone — yes I did pay a little bit more attention to him than I would like to admit — also pointed out how most teenage boys have this concept that a girl they like will always refuse their proposal at first so they just have to keep pursuing her till she comes around and says yes. “It worked each time when I was a teenager”, he said, “I know now that it was so wrong”. Thank god for him evolving, but how many really do? Even girls in their teenage or the young twenties are fed off this idea that they are always supposed to say no even if they like someone. Well, that is good because girls should take their time and boys should make a more diligent and persistent effort to win a girl over, but that also tells boys that every ‘no’ is a yes eventually because there is no such thing as a direct yes anyway. The wrong ones will keep trying to win the girl despite a few no’s till she gets tired or scared and says okay — and that (dear boy!) is called harassment. The harassment in some cases turns into stalking and threatening when the girl refuses to ever succumb to a yes because these boys are also not taught to accept a no for an answer.
In any case, why should a girl not say yes when that is what she wants?
Why shouldn’t grown-ups ask each other out if they want to hang out with someone they like — be it a girl or a boy to ask out. Will it not save everyone all this confusion of decoding and misreading a yes or a no, and help avoid offenses that arise out of false assumptions and erroneous societal propriety?
While we are at it — let us also learn and teach to accept a no for a no and a yes for a yes.
If you are a parent to a teenager, you might even be thinking right now, “What does she know and what is she even talking about?” You’d like to think that these are not the things teenagers in our country (or anywhere else) should be indulging or be bothered about. They must only focus on those two dozen extra classes (tuitions) and clearing the entrance exams. Well, that is what we all want too, but let’s be a little more real and admit that most teenagers do have a life outside of books whether or not you like it. Unless you acknowledge and address that, you will never be able to help them avoid any problem that may arise out of such a naturally occurring situation in their early years. Teach them to say Yes to the right things. Understand yourself before you teach them that it is alright to admit you like something or someone. Denial does not help anyone. It just teaches us to escape from real feelings and worsen situations. Teach them to say No only when they mean it. Teach them to say what they mean, not what seems politer. We need to learn ourselves too — to be ok with girls saying yes to a proposal they like and no to an opportunity they don’t see is good for them or aren’t interested in.
Again! All I am saying is, it is high time we start teaching young girls and boys in our country to say and accept a yes for a yes and a no for a no.
There is no need to associate being civilized with actually being deceptive and misleading. By teaching young children, the opposite in the name of civility, you aren’t teaching them humility or modesty but making them nervous and unconfident people who cannot stand up for what they feel when adults.
Not just with teenagers but with grown-ups everywhere in this country, a no is apparently always an invitation for persuasion. Relatives, friends, colleagues — nobody accepts a no to an extended invitation — again for the same reason believing that when someone says a no it is only because they are shy — so go on and persuade them, customarily! For example, an oft-repeated exchange in Indian culture sometimes looks like this:
X: “Come visit us”.
Y: “No thank you. I do not want to travel this time”.
X: “I insist. We will come to pick you up. It will be fun.”
Y: “Yes it will be fun I am sure, but No thank you. I have work”.
X: “Work can be done later. Come now do not be fussy.”
Y: “No, I will come next time, I am not trying to be fussy.”
X: “Who’s seen next time. We are not taking a no for an answer. You are just coming with us now”
Y: “God Help Me!”
I might have spent some years being confused about when to say or not say yes, but I know for sure that when I say no, I want the discussion to end there and then. I do not like to be persuaded or be asked more than once. If I say no to a good offer, do not offer again. Let it be my loss, my prerogative to regret or not regret it later. I can always go back and tell the offeror that I changed my mind if at all I do. No shame in doing that either. Trust me, I’ve done that a few times and I am not sure if they judged me for it but at least I saved myself a fair bit of drowning by saying a yes when I wasn’t ready or sure about it.
It is time we dissociate saying Yes with good or bad etiquette and neither shy away from it nor judge the ones who say it for the things that they really want— they at least know what they want and save everyone else’s time by cutting the chase. We also, need to detach shame with acceptance of our wants and wishes — saying yes to your desires should not feel embarrassing. So next time someone offers you a cookie when you visit their home or asks you if you want an expensive gift from them — just Say Yes!
(Phew! all this, while I was on phone with someone for just 5 minutes :D )
