Unmarried Again
While everyone these days is debating if ‘social labels’ are a good thing or bad I want to take this opportunity and raise my hand too, to nominate a few labels that I have a problem with. Whoever is in charge of getting rid of tags in the context of gender, race, weight, workplaces, sexual orientation, and disability, please add one more to the list — legal marital status. I would imagine it is enough to know for anyone, who needs your data for any purpose if a person is married or unmarried. Even if you are socially addressing that status, it suffices to say you are married, never been married, or as I say “was married once” — don’t you think? I have an unexplained aversion to the word ‘divorced’ and especially ‘divorcee’ — it just sounds so unnecessarily legal, perpetrating, and by all means only negative.
To me, apart from all that, it also sounds like someone was telling me they were born in 1982 and they tell it like “I was the result of a vaginal birth in 1982” or “ I came as an unplanned cesarean in 1982”. I mean seriously, it is enough to know you were born in 1982, right? Who needs to know the technical details and how do they even matter? The same way, how does it matter if I cleared my entrance exams by myself or by sneaking in cheating tools — I cleared it. Period. The whole idea behind not getting into these details and labeling people based on details that do not describe a person’s values — and as debated around all social platforms and global organizations like even the United Nations — is that it subjects people to unreasonable and unhealthy biases.
You would argue that it is not the same as being informed of someone's legal marital status but trust me it is. Just think about how is it really helping to squint that nose and call someone a divorcee? What is that really doing for you or them? Nothing! Nothing more than pushing someone in a dejected place and making them feel that their life has ended. The word ‘divorced’ is simply dark. It makes so many people believe they are supposed to be sad now for the rest of their lives and will not have the right or the opportunity to find happiness or companionship again. On the other hand, the best it does for you is to either make you feel bad for that person or make you think they did something to be punished like that. You don’t even know that most times they are not punished, but you are stuck in the monotony and disagreeable situation at the fear of change and societal unacceptance.
Most kinds of labeling, especially certain social labeling, is mostly just a toxic practice of passive discrimination than just a way of classifying for simplification or comprehension as per the popular belief (if that is popular anymore).
“Social labeling is a persuasion technique that consists of providing a person with a statement about his or her personality or values (i.e., the social label) in an attempt to provoke behavior that is consistent with the label…” ( — read somewhere and lost the reference, but it makes sense :P)
Provocative is all that social labeling is. I have been married once and I am ‘unmarried again’ — yay! But other than me there is hardly anyone else who seems to really think like that or see the yay factor in it. Even the people proceeding with my legalities were so displeased and agitated (provoked really), we couldn't figure what their problem was. Was it that my ex-husband and I, both wanted to be amicably unmarried again and as a result, robbed the audience of all the cheap kicks that a contesting couple’s display of dirty linen in the public brings, or were they condescending to us and humiliating us both because even pickpocketers or murderers look more compassionate than the two of us looked, standing there all dressed up fancy and smiling? I still can’t figure reasons for their ungracious and curt discourse but all I know is I wanted to tell them and all others questioning us disparagingly there, that it was none of their business what I do with my personal life (and watch your spit spray when you talk to me please).
The minute you tell someone who has legally terminated a marriage, that they are now a divorcee (eww), you are inviting all kinds of self-pity and despair for them and at some level for yourself. Tell them they are ‘unmarried again’ and see the difference that makes to the entire life’s perspective. Trust me I have tried and tested it on myself first hand — it works wonders. The world can feel miserable about fortunate people like me but like one of my very favorite ‘aunties’ told my mom, “I wish I could say ‘congratulations’ to a young girl I know, who recently got divorced”. Damn right! It is worth congratulating someone — for taking a hard and bold step towards a healthier life, for breaking social barriers, for standing up for themselves, for knowing how far to go and where to draw the line, for choosing themselves over societal pressure — whatever distressing reasons may have led them to this decision. I wish there were more cool ‘aunties’ like her around, judging less and understanding more. She knows — we all know — the event is not one that you have desired or wished for, it isn't pleasant and is even devastating for almost all, but so is any kind of invasive surgery. Before the surgery, you are suffering because of the ailment — mind, and body. You cannot see your future without feeling like a victim or can see it with detachment from pain. However, once the (oh! so ugly and painful) surgery and the healing is done with, you are as good as new again! It is, therefore, something to congratulate on for all the right reasons.
Unmarried again. “I met this person and he has recently been unmarried again”, “Oh! It’s been a long time since I have been unmarried again”, “Their daughter was married once, for a couple of years, but she is unmarried again since 2017 and doing so well”, “Her brother is a good match for you since he is also unmarried again and therefore wiser this time hopefully” — simple! Why not remove the negativity from all labels like ‘divorcee’ (yuck) that do the society and any individual no good? This is one of the labels that I have lately been subjected to (there are plenty in each one of us’ kitty am sure) and therefore, finally understood why was I always so repulsed to it, even as a teenager. I vote for “Been Married Once/Twice/Thrice/N times” and “Unmarried Again” as rephrases to the revolting D-word — surprise me if you have a better expression than these.
