Women Could Get Pregnant on Their Own
That evening, a few years ago, while I was enjoying my glass of ‘whatever’ over a friend’s family get-together dinner, suddenly a young, new mom across the room jumped in to ask me, “So when are you having a baby? You keep getting into one venture after another, isn’t it time to stop and focus on having a child now?” This was the first time in those forty-eight times that I did not settle the question with my usual, forced but utterly pleasant smile accompanied by a meek “Hehe, ya”, but instead turned back and asked her, “and why do you think I should be asked that question, not my husband?” The room went awkward quiet for a few seconds before I broke into a burst of silly laughter and it all went back to normal in no time. Whatever was in that glass I was drinking from!
Why:
— is it the woman who is always asked this question, sometimes in private and mostly in public?
— is it assumed that someone who is old enough to reproduce and raise human beings is still unintelligent enough to not think of it on their own, therefore, need constant reminding or interventions?
— is it other people’s business?
I, and only I, was always asked this question over and over when I used to be married, by so many people and so many times that I got tired and started asking them back if they had a solution for having one without the involvement of a husband — I was willing to try! An eighty-year-old grandma in my neighborhood in Pune, even took back from my hand, the sweet that she had offered me after I genuinely sought a response to that question from her. I asked her if she had already tutored my husband like she was tutoring me at thirty-five and if he told her that I was the one who needed unsolicited counseling on the subject of ‘childbearing and its importance’, instead. She said, “Why will I ask him when you have to do it all and it’s you who need to understand that it is already very late? His family is also very worried because you are a little too focused on your work. Be wise and now get done with it.” She had smartly steered clear of my question, “How can I reproduce on my own when the husband doesn’t want it? Can the Sun or the Rain Gods help send me one from the sky like they do in the mythological stories or was it that the source didn’t matter? In that case, I will manage it from elsewhere myself.” The look on her face was so rewarding!
Despite childlessness being such a commonly occurring problem due to innumerous biological reasons for many, it doesn’t transpire to people before inappropriately commenting, “Why no children? You should have!”, that there are people out there who are trying and failing the process for reasons beyond their control. These young people could be suffering and agonized as a result, nevertheless, it is better to assume they are stupid, so the question must be rubbed in over and over by every passerby. However, in my case, it wasn’t biology that was interfering but a conscious decision made by two adults. So I was even told by a few that I need to convince my husband, even if he doesn’t want it. Seriously? Convince him? He was two years older than I am anyway, and I trusted he knew what he wanted and clear on what he did not. In any case, it wasn’t a new pair of jeans that I needed to convince him to get for himself since the old ones are worn out enough already!
Men can be ambitious and paternal but women can only be either-or. That is the most common presumption and I fail to understand, why. I wasn’t maternal or felt anything close to that I admit, but that did not come as a function of my desire to work, nor was it me holding that event back anyway. I know a lot of women who are ambitious and maternal — plenty, including my own mother. But how do you make people stop presuming that women are the problem? That, women need to be told, they must either be incapable or unwilling or just plain imbeciles. Why is it a default setting to blame the woman, especially if she is a working woman, for not having children — without trying to ever understand why she doesn’t? Expecting women to be solely responsible for this act of reproduction is like expecting the vending machine to pop out a pack of salted nuts without inserting the money in it and calling it broken.
Another thing that I cannot fathom is how is it the entire world’s problem if a married couple doesn’t want to reproduce? Why does it cause people restlessness and palpitations? Reasons for their intervention will include at least one statement implying guaranteed happiness thereafter. How do they know if it is in fact, what will make someone else happy? Having no children makes me content— sorry that you and I find happiness through different things.
It is bizarre to propagate the idea of procreation as the supreme source of contentment, especially for women. Someone could as well turn around and tell you “Hey! You must intoxicate yourself with some drug/spirit, a little bit at all times throughout the day. Ask anyone who does that. They will tell you how happy it makes them. It makes life seem brighter and days seem worthwhile. Yes, it is difficult to sustain that in the long run but look at the gains you get from it. Everyone is going to die one day anyway. There is no pleasure bigger than the pleasure you get from being in a constant state of ecstasy, and the time is now”, and so on!
Crazy right? If I don’t want it, I don’t want it. One size doesn’t fit all. Your happiness drug and my happiness drug are not the same. My drug — my work, gave me all the joy and kept me ‘high’. Why is that so hard to accept for people/society? Anyway, I am still looking for the answer to my primary question — can you get a pack of salted nuts from the vending machine without putting in any money?
